Some people are born to be mothers. They dream of a day when they will have a little person to care for and love and they feel that their lives will be complete when this happens. I am not one of those people.

I never had any interest in these small, noisy, loud creatures and to be honest, could  not understand what anyone else saw in them either. So the way in which my life had completely changed course by actually having just had a baby was set to become one of the most difficult, stressful and confusing times of my life.

So there I was in the hospital after the birth of my first child wondering what the hell comes next. I had never changed a nappy, I had never bathed a baby, I had never felt so exhausted. People say (and I don't know what people, but you do hear this about the place) that when you have a baby you will instantly fall in love with it. You will feel so full of bliss and endorphins that you will immediately bond with this strange little person and wonder how you ever lived without it. Well, that didn't happen. I didn't feel like that. I felt overwhelmed, confused and seriously out of my depth.

People are very well meaning. They tell you things about your baby with the best of intentions. But all that does is make it more confusing and to be honest made me feel more like a failure. I didn't love this small noisy person more than life itself, I looked at it and wondered why on earth I had wanted to join the mummy club in the first place. After all, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't even know where my life was headed. How could I now be responsible for someone else's?? Who thought this was a good idea and what the hell was I doing here in someone else's life?

Nobody tells you, you might feel like that. They say you will love it, they say it is magical, they say it is a miracle of life. So what was wrong with me that I was not revelling in that magic and rejoicing in the miracle of life? Nothing. Everyone feels different and that's ok. (I will skip ahead just for a moment and say things did get better...... eventually).

We named him Drew because I had always liked that name (in fact he was going to be Drew whether he was a boy or a girl) and it was an uncommon yet it wasn't odd (being a school teacher I am so over the oddly spelt, same sounding names and the just out there names - not cute and clever. Just annoying. Yep Millica - Oh, it's Mellissa  .. I'm talking to you) and I held my little guy, like you are supposed to and people came to visit with flowers, toys, clothes and fruit (cause after that experience you really need the extra fibre to kick things off - if you get my drift) and I just felt weird and lost and a little bit like a fraud.

The nurses came in and out of the room, demonstrating how to bath him, how to wrap him and telling me how to take care of my stitches (somewhere you should never have stitches) and how to look after myself and then we were ready to go home. As the doctor came into our room to check and to sign everything off and the nurses picked Drew up and handed him to us and wished us well, I thought to myself, I can't believe they are letting us take a small person home with us, we don't even know what we're doing!! When you buy a dog at the pet store they suggest further reading and equipment you may need to purchase before you leave the store, where's the manual? How does this thing work? 

I felt so unprepared for the journey we were about to embark on.... and I was.

I hope you are enjoying the Friday Flashback series Starting from Scratch and I would love to hear from you with any comments you would like to contribute.

Cheers,

Lee

How do you teach your children to have manners if you don't have any yourself?? This is a question that I often have to bite back before I create some kind of play ground smack down but it is also something that really pisses me off.

I am sick to death of parents complaining about their kids having an attitude or no manners or whatever it is, when they don't actually do anything about it! I know parents have a lot of stress in their lives and I am also aware of the mother guilt we already carry around with us, without adding in the judgement of others. But the thing is you can't spend energy whinging about your kid's lack of manners or the way they are behaving if you are not prepared to spend any energy on actually doing something about it.

This has happened to me a number of times but it really got me thinking about it the other day when I was at Bunnings (somewhere I certainly do not frequent - so that was unusual in itself) and I took my two year old to the playground there because he was harping on about it and I felt was only fair, since he didn't want to be at Bunnings either.

So off we went to the playground which was unusually empty - yay! I thought to myself, I can sit outside the gate and watch him, because I don't have to worry about any issues with anyone else's ferals and he can just run around without incident. Anyhoo, as I got to the kid safe gate and held it open so he could run in, another mother and their child raced in from nowhere and in through the gate. It was not like the other mother was too short to have opened the kidsafe door herself (so I don't think she was waiting camouflage style), for someone else to open it.  Anyway, she trotted on in behind my feral but in front of me (as I was still holding the gate open) and she said ....... nothing. I had to bite back the "Why, you are welcome!" I mean would it kill anyone to say thank you?? I spend so much of my day teaching my kids please and thankyou (get your feet off the table, eat with your mouth closed etc) as I am sure so many other mothers do. So why is it that when the time comes to model the behaviour parents are after - it's a non event??

This free and easy attitude to manners came to mind again today with a trip my mother took to the movies with my son. She said they spent so much time waiting for people to stop fooling around and sit down in front of them, stop mucking about with their phones and basically shut the hell up that she wanted to come home for a rest and a cup of tea to get over it. Watching a movie at the movies is not the same as watching a movie at home and if you want to muck about, then wait till it comes out on DVD and do that mucking about at home. I am so sick of people and their inconsideration for others!! Which again reminded me of how uncommon manners appear to be now days and the fact that we are still teaching them to our kids.

So where are we losing out? Where is the lesson and the actually reality of manner taking place, short circuiting? It brings me back to our roles as mothers. It is our job to teach our children manners, it is our job to teach our children how to behave in relation to other people as they make their way in the world. So the next time you don't take an opportunity to teach your children how manners work - by chipping them if they are rude (don't just roll your eyes and laugh saying to others "Look I told you they had an attitude" and then not challenge their behaviour) or saying thank you the next time someone does something like hold a door open or pick something up or whatever it is for you - then don't go whining about nobody having any manners or how terrible your kids are. I don't want to hear about it. 

I shall get off my soapbox now. Thanks for listening. 

Anything getting on your goat lately about kids (or parents) and manners, I'd love to hear about it! 

Cheers, 

Lee 

They say that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness but what about talking about yourself?? 100 years ago... in my past life (you know, before motherhood) I used to work in retail. There was this guy who worked in the department across from mine and we shall call him Wayne (because that was his name). Anyhoo, he had this really weird habit of referring to himself in the third person which I could never quite get over. For those of you who are yet to encounter this type of person I will give you a few examples of what I am talking about.

Monday morning comes and we are all heading into our respective departments for opening and Wayne and I might be walking in together so I say (as you do) "How was your weekend Wayne?" to which he would often reply "Wayne had a really great weekend." Or I might have said something like "Have you tried that new Mexican restaurant Wayne?" to which he would reply "Oh, no. Wayne doesn't like Mexican food." Now I can seriously not be the only person who thinks talking about yourself in the third person crosses the line from quirky on the way to just plain crazy? I often had to stop myself from saying "You know you are Wayne .... right?"

Now, years later after Wayne has gone off to live a wonderful life (I don't know this for sure but he probably now says things like "Wayne is very happy with how his life has turned out") I find myself thinking of him and his strange little habit. It is not because I feel like I missed out - having Wayne at the dinner table each night uttering "Wayne really likes sausages and he would also like a drink please" would do my head in. No, I think of him because as I mother I now find that talking about yourself in the third person was not totally Wayne's domain.

I now catch myself saying things like "Mummy said no!", "Because Mummy said so!" and that old classic "Mummy said get back in your bed." I do not know how or when I crossed the line from being a normal person into "Wayne's world" but it happened anyway.

It's a strange little world being a mum. Going from worrying about yourself, your future and your needs to pretty much concentrating on everyone else but you and then talking about yourself as if you are not even there!! Surely I cannot be the only person who has crossed over into "Wayne's world"!? 

Lee wants to know if anyone else finds themselves talking in the third person? She always wishes you a great week and hopes you had a lovely weekend.

Cheers,

Lee

I was scouring the blogosphere the other day and came across this post from the good men project about advice for mum's raising boys and I just had to share it with you.

Before you race over to look at that link I wanted to share my two favourite points.

Yes, it really is all about poop.

Yes, that really was the title of that point (I'm not making this stuff up!). Boys are obsessed with this particular bodily function and enjoy talking about it and in particular, spending quality time partaking in this past time. What really struck me was the point that boys are often so busy racing around during the day that they don't actually realise they have to go until you ask them to stand still .... or invite them to the dinner table and then it all becomes frantic because it's going to happen right now.

Bedtime is Sacred

The "I just need a drink", "I just need to tell you something", " I just have one more question" antics of bedtime become not so anger inducing when you realise that the little devil is just trying to string out their daily interactions with you and that that time when you sit quietly beside them in bed and read a book with them is one of the highlights of their day. Makes me feel guilty for all the times I rushed it through for some lame arse show on tv because I just wanted to sit down and put my feet up.

Got boys? Go and check out the link http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/raising-boys-advice-for-moms/

Even if you don't have little boys it might even make your husband's behaviour a little bit more transparent as well. 

Cheers, 

Lee 

I had all these great ideas for today's post and I knew exactly what I wanted to share with you and then cyclone two year old hit!

The thing is that Spring arrived in downtown Melbourne and then in a matter of moments, it looked like it had slunk away to allow a little more winter to hog the lime light and as a result both myself and my two year old have ended up with some hideous flu that shows no signs of abating.

Anyhoo, I dragged my sorry butt around the house this morning trying to make it look as if at least one person here wasn't on a mission to trash it, as my small friend followed me around duly dragging more stuff out behind me as he went. I don't believe that he is malicious..... at least I don't think so. But when he waited until I laid down on the floor for a moment with him and then dived up and wacked me in the head with a rather heavy plastic toy, I began to re-evalute that.

It all started this morning when I noticed his older brother (who is 9) had thoughtfully left some textas on the carpet in the front room, which the two year old of course found. He decided to go with a lovely green colouring job on the floor tiles and grout and then moved onto the  cream coloured mat of the pool table. I was folding laundry in the other room and foolishly thought as long as I could hear him (which I could) then he was not up to no good (which is usually the case when things go quiet).

After that I sent him outside, where I could see all his goings on with a hat he insisted on wearing. Once he started beating the dog with said hat, I knew this day was not going to pick up. So I brought him back inside, onto my newly cleaned floors not realising that he had also been enjoying some quality time in the dogs bowl and now his shoes were not only wet ... but muddy. 

Now don't think for one moment I totally left him to his own devices all morning and hoped for the best ... because I didn't. I tried reading him books, to which came the reply "no thanks". I tried signing songs, playing with toys and when all else failed to capture his attention, I tried the "let's have a little lay on the floor together... we'll snuggle. How about that?." Which resulted in him trying to take me out with a ninja turtle get around vehicle ( I actually think it's bruised behind my hair line ... he's leaving marks that don't show. Should I be worried?).

In the end, I did the only thing I could think of and sent him to bed, for his midday nap (at 11ish).  He wailed and cried all the way there and then .... nothing. Ahhh piece at last. 

I think that's why they make them so cute.... so you don't go out into the back yard and eye of a nice soft area of soil to dig up....

I better go, I think I just heard him stir and the tapping of the keyboard will alert him to my presence......  

How is life going with your two year old? Or what age is giving you grief at the moment?

Cheers,

Lee

In an effort to make sure that my kids have a direct line of communication with me and know that I will always do my best to be completely honest with them, I have often said that they can ask me anything. I will tell them as much as I know and I think they can handle (of course it goes without saying that I have had this conversation with the now 9 year old, not so much the two year old).
 
Now as you would assume with kids, lots of unexpected and uncomfortable questions are often asked. Of course you eventually expect the "where do babies come from?" to which I promptly headed off to the book store to purchase Where do I come from?, which we read and re-read together with added questions (and answers along the way). We also got the "Why is it called a penis and how come girls don't have one?", to which I answered and my husband was horrified that we should be talking about penis' and vaginas at the breakfast table. My theory is that you should tackle the topics when they come to hand (time and situation permitting) so that I can hold true to the "you can ask me anything" motto.

The thing with answering such questions honestly is that a small person can only take on so much information at a time. So even if you are brutally honest it might just go over their heads or perhaps even give them unnecessary issues about the topic. So I feel that it is always important to give age specific answers to questions and go back and revisit topics as my children get older and need more of in depth knowledge about stuff.

When we tackled the notion of where he came from (this question came up at around five), this included the proviso that the mum and dad needed to be married. Now that is not to say that babies are not born out of wedlock or that I even have a problem with that happening (which I don't - to each his own), I just didn't want to have to go to far into detail with a call from the principal later in the week because it was a bit hard to put an age limit on it all (who knows how literally kids are going to take your answers "well, I'm a boy and you're a girl so ...." ).

Anyway, he must have taken it all away and mulled it around because about six months later we were walking to school one day and he had more questions about it all - but this time relating to friends of ours, who are also a gay couple. It went something like this "So Charles and Doug are a couple right?" to which I replied the affirmative. "So they have sex then, right?". Again I answered to the affirmative. "So, which one of them will have the baby?". Ahh, a question I had not seen coming and was not prepared for. (Do they have a book at the library about that??) So then we talked about how having a baby required a man and a woman (now remember this is an age appropriate talk - so we didn't discuss how in this modern day and age it is possible to have two mothers or two fathers or just one parent or any other variant, we were just doing the basics). We continued to walk on for a bit in silence and he was obviously still working on this one because later that day we were on a car ride somewhere and he pipes up from the back. "Well, if they can't have a baby then why do they have sex?"

So, at this point I am thinking it's all good to be open to questions but you just never know what your going to get!! Having said that, at least he's getting his information from me instead of some other random primary school kid.

Have you had any "hairy" questions and how did you go with them?

Cheers,

Lee

I really wanted to do a post today about the joys of Spring. It was a lovely Spring day when I first thought of it, the sun was shining, my littlest guy was frolicking in the sun, flowers were blooming and I managed to get outside in Melbourne with only a three quarter sleeved shirt and no jacket!! Oh, I was so excited by the prospect of it all and then it seemed like it was over as quickly as it had begun.

So, today I walked to do the bus stop drop off and had to wear my usual two jackets just to keep the chilly wind from cutting me in half! I thought that I might still show you some of the images I had already taken on that lovely warm day and had planned on posting with a title like, 'What I love about Spring'. In the hope that it will encourage Spring weather to come on in full!! Here's hoping anyway!

I also wanted to let you know that I have decided to do something a little special with my Friday posts. I am going to start a weekly series about the joys of becoming a mother from scratch. You may perhaps be scratching your head at this point thinking, "Isn't that what you were already doing?" - and in some ways the answer would be yes. I was thinking about Motherhood the other day and how I got to be here (at this stage in my life, I mean...not as in, why are we here - the meaning of life and all that because I am really not sure on that one). Anyhoo, I have a few friends who are thinking about, or are already on the journey to Motherhood and it made me think about how I felt when I was at that point in my life. Hopeful, happy, nauseous, anxious, full of mood swings, tired and wondering what the hell I was doing!

So on Fridays I will be taking a little stroll down mummy memory lane and sharing with you from scratch all the way up to the trials and tribulations of a now two and a bit year old, and an almost ten year old. Who taught me a really valuable lesson last night.... but I will save that thought for another day.

I hope that you will join me on this journey and even pass my posts on to friends who are about to become Mums and want the facts straight from the horse's mouth, it's not all fairy bread and cute little feet padding about the house (not even close!). 

I hope that you enjoy my images of Melbourne Spring (there are only a few .... I mean, I didn't get much time!). 

Just a reminder too, if you don't want to miss a dose of Mother Load you can always join up and subscribe and get Mother Load delivered straight to your inbox! The subscribe box is now located at the top right hand side of the page and don't forget to confirm your subscription when it gives you the chance to so I know it's alright to send you my daily musings!

Have a wonderful weekend.

Cheers,

Lee

I was born in a small country town in NSW, Australia, as were my parents. Things there were run a certain way and everyone knew everyone else's business. In fact it was said that if you parted your hair on the wrong side everyone in town would know about it by the end of the day.

I still remember being a hormonal, ranting teenager shouting "I can't  wait until I turn 18 and finish school, so I can get the hell out of here!" Which, I did. It was much harder than I had ever anticipated, moving to Sydney on my own and starting a new life but that seems like a life time ago now. Since then, I have uprooted yet again (exactly 18 years after the first big move) and now live in Melbourne. (It makes me wonder where on earth I will be living at 54!)

Anyhoo, the point to all this is not where I have lived - or now live, but rather to give you an insight into where my family (and their ideas about things) come from.  Being the "get organised early" person that I am, I am well on my way with the Christmas present shopping and decided to get my littlest guy (who will be two and a half) a cubby house this year. He loves imaginary playing and interacting with things, so I thought the perfect thing for the cubby house would be a little kitchen set, so he can pretend to cook up a storm. Whilst mentioning this to my father on the phone the reply came "Well, I don't know about all that. Why don't you just get him a truck?!"

I had not even considered the thought that my idea of imaginary play for my child might somehow have an impact on my child's perceived future manly-"ness", but I kind of suspect it may have had more to do with my fathers. My father comes from the era where men were men, they didn't "do" quiche, salad and soup were not a meal and they didn't whip up a storm in the kitchen. Gay meant you were happy and there was to be no having with those homosexual types. I mean, we lived in a country town for crying out loud. There weren't any - right!? And if there were they weren't hanging out with my dad at the "local", or the cattle sales or where ever else manly men went, to be with other manly men (but not in a gay way).

My point is you can't make a child gay through pretend play and they can't "catch" gay by using their imaginations. When my eldest child (now nine) was smaller, he used to clop around in my high heels and wear whatever nail polish I happened to have out at the time (I might also add that my husband - open minded as he is, was still a little horrified by all this but my thinking is that high heels and nail polish at three are different to high heels and nail polish at thirteen - and if that's the case, then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it). I even used to get my old Barbie dolls out for him to play with.... until he decapitated them all. Now at the ripe old age of 9 he has no interest in any of that - and is very "boy centric" as far as toys, interests and dressing goes. The point being I let him use his imagination and make up his own mind when he was ready for it.

I still have an eye out for just the right kitchen set for the cubby house, one with a little sink so he can do the washing up when he has finished his "masterchef" creations. I do although have a feeling that when Christmas does roll around, there may just be a present for him under the Christmas tree from his Grandfather, shaped suspiciously like a truck.

Cheers,

Lee

When my husband is sick, the world stops. Well, his world does anyway. He lies on the lounge or goes to bed until he feels better. Which, is really what we all want to do when we're not feeling our best.

When  a mum feels sick, everything continues on as normal. Kids have to be taken to the bus stop, toddlers have to be dressed and fed, lunches and dinners have to be made. It all goes on...... and on.

I actually had a number of ideas for today's post floating around my head and then I woke up feeling rubbish. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and wake up when I felt better. But being a mum that is very rarely an option.

So, what do we do? Continue on as normal and wait (make that, count down the time) for nap time (theirs, not mine) - lucky for me, we still have one.....and race in to get in my own nap while there at it!

zzzzzzz

Lee

There are three things that all children need in their lives (aside from the obvious food, water and shelter) and they are;

1. To be safe
2. To be loved
3. To be happy

How we work it at our house is to aim for the top two and if we hit number three, to be happy, that's a bonus. It is not an accident that I have put these points together in that order of preferance - it is essential that it runs in that particular order.  Not having a strong grasp on what they are aiming for and in what order, often sees parents flailing about in parenthood wondering why things aren't happening the way they are supposed to and what went wrong.

Now don't get my wrong. I am not saying that my kids are perfect ... because they certainly are not! (See my previous post Sometimes I don't like my kids very much) What I am saying is that sometimes parents get it arse about and I find it very frustrating to witness.  

I was talking to a friend on the phone a while ago and she was talking about a friend of hers, "oh, she's having a lot of problems with discipline and her daughter. It's really hard for her, she's a single mum and she doesn't know when to put her foot down sometimes. I mean she wants to be her daughter's friend, she doesn't want her not to like her, of course." Now, please don't take this as a rant about single mums (because it certainly is NOT) but come on! Here is where I had to stop myself from really going off. The thing is, you don't carry a child for nine months and then give birth to them because you need more friends, grow up. If you need more friends get off your arse and go out and meet them!

The job of a parent is to mould their kids into decent human beings who contribute to society. If I have to see one more teenage kid going on, on TV about how they hate everyone and they just don't like being told what to do, I think my head might explode. Here's a secret, nobody likes being told what to do. Nobody likes having to go by the rules... but here's the really important part, that's how society functions. Otherwise we might as well be living in the outback with a kill or be killed mentality, everyone for themselves folks, run for your lives!! 

Seriously, if I have to listen to one more parent whining about how their kids won't listen or won't go to bed or won't get on the school bus or whatever it is, I may have to punch them. At the end of the day, you are the parent and if you aren't running the show ... then who is?? I am certainly not saying that kids aren't going to challenge your authority, that's their job. Of course there going to give it a run.

What I am talking about are those crap kids (and their ilk) on 'World's strictest parents'. Contrary to what the parent's state each week, they did not wake up one day and find an uncontrollable jerk living in their house -  those parents have been moulding them into that jerk for years. By making choices for their child to be happy because they haven't wanted to get them off side - "oh no, my child may not like me". (Whatever, some days you don't like them very much either). They have often chosen the easiest way out (at the time), the route that left them feeling most popular. I might point out that the easiest way does not appear so easy when your child becomes a teenager who feels entitled to be happy doing whatever they want, when they want, with whoever they want and you can go and get stuffed while they're at it.   

I often say to my child, it is my job to make sure that he is safe and it is very important for him to know that he is loved - but I will always choose those two over him being happy. I am certainly not saying that as a parent I do not feel fulfilled unless my child is unhappy, that's not it at all. What I am saying is that if they are happy as a by product of being safe and being loved then that's great but I will never give in to just making them happy at the expense of being safe and loved. If that means making the hard or unpopular calls sometimes then, so be it.

The really exciting thing about this method of parenting is that when your children reach adulthood you will want to become friends with them because they are the type of decent human being you would like to hang out with.  

Cheers,

Lee